Just Some Incoherent Ramblings.

Evening there. Well I’m not actually sure when I’ll post this, it could be tomorrow morning, up with the lark, an afternoon affair, or then again it could sit in my drafts for all eternity.

NB I’ve just put a calming sunset to lure you into reading this, it in no way reflects anything I’m about to write, in fact it’s rather a contrast to the chaos adn shambles that is my mind.

Here I am, wallowing in self pity and loathing in my pit of a room, having a weeks worth of calories in a single sugar packed milkshake, watching the first season of Tracy Beaker, trying to organise a night out in the every busy social lives of my friends which quite frankly would be easier to perform open heart surgery than successfully organise, as well as trying to push the growing pile of reading and work that I have to do for uni out of sight and out of mind, all whilst questioning every decision I have made thus far in my life.

Why on God’s earth did I chose to study law when I can’t write or read or analyse to save my skin? Why can I not stick to even the most basic healthy eating and exercise plans? Why do I have the social skills of a Himalayan mountain goat? And now that I have a minimum wage paying job, why do I have the retail attitude of a New York socialite? I see something I like in the shops, I either buy it and hate myself for doing so, or rightly, walk away and hate myself for not buying it. As you can see it’s a very lose-lose situation, which results in where I am just now.

I am a solitary person. I like my own company and space. This works out well for a socially challenged member of society. I’ve managed so far in school with my good ol’ chummies but we are all on different courses and I get strong boughts of empty nest syndrome. And now at uni I’ve been thrown in with strangers, newbies, unknown folk, and I have to socialise. Alas, I have not been blessed with the gift of the gab and severly struggle in starting, maintaining and contributing to conversations which is a lethal combination for the class recluse.

RE law. I’m not sure where to start on this one. I have no idea why I picked that course, but I did. I’m one week in and I’m already floundering, out of my depths, a small fish in a big pond. I don’t understand what the lectureres are talking about, and I don’t understand how everyone else can understand what’s going on. I don’t think that it’s possible to change courses just yet but I have toyed with the idea of handing in my weeks notice, packing my bags and heading for the hills, to start my life with the rest of the hermits and mountain goats.

There is however one thing keeping me ever so slightly motivated, the beacon of light and hope at the end of the long, dark tunnel; £20,000. Yes that’s right, there is a prize for the best first year law student with a prize of 20,000 big ones. All I have to do is teach myself the whole course which is at a standard of the lecturers and completely annihilate the other 208 students in my class; how hard can it be…

Anyway, this has been the most pointless post ever, but I feel better having written it so at least I know one person’s happier. Terribly sorry about that if anyone’s managed to make it this far, and also a congratulations are in order (hooraaah) for reading through my preposterously dull and cynical thoughts. But you’re in for a treat as there’s many more to come in the future; boy I’m only just beginning 🙂

xoxo Helen 




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